In the fall, I began a Divorce Catholics support group. It is here that I discovered that, even divorced, I was loved by the church. I held such guilt about being divorced; failing as a wife, failing my daughters. But I learned, it wasn’t my sin at all. I was the victim spouse that had been abandoned by my husband. I was still welcomed to participate in the Eucharist. It gave me comfort yet, what was my life going to look like?
Satan came at me again. This time, I would lose my job due to an acquisition. I wondered what next? I was single and jobless. My x-husband could care less whether I was employed or healing. I felt so alone, anxious and depressed. Once again, I was seeking God’s intervention and once again he came through for me. Due to the efforts of close high school friend, I was hired by one of the biggest medical device companies in the world. I couldn’t believe it. Me? For the first time in a very long time, I was happy. I loved my job, the people I worked with. My daughters were healing……things were great except in one area.
My x-husband stopped paying tuition, wasn’t seeing the girls, was threatening suicide. He was abusive with the name calling; Cunt, Lesbian, Asshole, Bitch. I was called so many evil names in his anger state that I was shocked. He had never called me a name in 30 years. Now I was being blamed for the mess he called a life. He was telling people how I was manipulative, kept his kids from him, just wanted revenge……All I wanted was the truth.
He was seeing someone he knew in high school. She obviously didn’t make him a better person as he was miserable. They drank a lot and I learned it all on FB. He denied seeing her many, many times….I reached out to the woman’s husband and as I soon found, she was separated but had not filed for a divorce. Adultery, again……..The story with her gets even stranger.
At this time, I had a friend that was struggling One evening, this woman FB messaged my friend. She was expressing sympathy for her situation but the odd thing was very few knew about it. She talked about her and my x-husband but it was not the writing of “a woman to a another woman.” The time was midnight on a Sunday night. But why? Why would they do this?. It was evil…………they had to have been drunk. There just was no explanation………or was there.
The following week, on a Wednesday at 1:15am another message startled my friend awake. This time she didn’t open it. She called the Washington County Sherriff and then shared it with her counselors, attorney and her children. It was so inappropriate on many levels but when she questioned this woman she said “what messages?”…………HMMMM.
The lies, cover-up and evil continued. There was never truth, remorse or an explanation from either of them. No accountability. Why do these woman fall into such moral deception and not feel remorse? Wow, how deep the evil runs……….do they really feel they are different? He tells them he is faith-filled but would a man of true faith take part in these things? You want to tell them to run. If he can treat a woman that he shared 30 years with so horribly, do they really believe he would be different with them? Is it the title of being with an attorney, the money? Is it worth selling your soul?
There are many flags as to whether or not you can trust a man/woman who has cheated. How will you know? The way they talk about the victim spouse and how they treat him/her will give you all the answers. If they are kind, respectful, remorseful and compassionate and have an open relationship with this person than chances are they have taken accountability for their actions, faced their sins and have changed their ways.
On the other hand, if they blame, criticize, complain, ridicule or demean the victim spouse, chances are they live with deep guilt and are running away from true repentance. They will lie and cheat again because they haven’t learned from their mistakes. The anger, lies and manipulation of the truth will continue to destroy future relationships because they don’t have a foundation that was built with God. They will crumble.
Over these four years I have taken verbal abuse and blame for the destruction of our marriage. I was the victim. I loved my husband, our family and the life we had built together. I tried hard to work with him. I wanted to find a neutral state and for him to be active in our daughter’s lives. It was not meant to be. He didn’t want to be a part of my life or theirs.
The guilt, deception and lies took away the man I once knew and the father who was adored. He is no longer kind, sincere, dedicated. Rather, he is now superficial in both his faith and his being. He blames me for the terrible life he has built for himself. He criticizes my faith and who I have become on a regular basis. Guilt stops him from being remorseful, compassionate and understanding.
Affairs, lies, deception and divorce destroy a family and all who are part of that family. Their lives are forever changed. Their stories take on new meaning and the journey can be jagged at times. Without radical repentance on the part of the spouse that caused the destruction there is no peace. Without true remorse from those who took part there is just despair. I continue to pray for resolution.
Resolution seems so easy. Live honestly, respectfully. When you hurt another, ask for forgiveness. Be open, transparent and listen. Try to place yourself in the position of the other person and admit when your wrong. Thinking time will heal the hurt is just another lie. Truth, remorse and compassion are the things that heal. Running away, pretending it didn’t happen will be temporary. Eventually reality will return and you will still need to face the truth. A cheater is always a cheater until true repentance takes place.
At times, I find myself wondering why God allowed all this to happen in my life. The answer is clear. He knew I was a woman with deep faith, strong convictions to the truth and moral values. He knew I would speak out for me and other woman like me who have been unfairly accused, ridiculed and judged for our beliefs. Woman who have been called controlling or bullies because they demand answers. Woman who have been hurt by thoughtless comments and false witnesses. Woman who are fronting the blame for their husbands lies and manipulation of the truth. Woman who were abandoned and left behind. Woman whose hearts were crushed because they believed.
Our world has become so compliant with getting what you want even at the price of another. So many are leaving when things get tough and blaming others for their mistakes. Affairs, adultery and the break-up of the family is common place in this fallin world and making love has been replaced by instant pleasure and sex. We see it all around, yet most people blind their eyes and turn away. Even the Christian counselors are turning their eyes away from the truth.
I still believe in love, marriage and family. I believe that God wants us to be loved as he is love. I will continue to preach to my daughters that there is such a thing as true love, that their body is a gift only be shared with someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with and don’t run when things get hard. I will tell them to be willing to work through conflict and pain with truth, transparency and honesty and love with all your heart, trusting your inner voice to guide you. God is always near if you put your trust in him.
This is my Story. One that was written with a true heart. I am the victim, not the abuser. When you hear stories that diminish who I am, remember that I am all about truth, honesty and forgiveness. I was not the controller, the manipulator the cheater. I am a woman of deep faith, who believes in God, in marriage, in family, in forgiveness and in justice. In return, all I ask is the courtesy to hear my voice, compassion to dry my tears, respect not to judge and remorse to heal the pain.