This story is about faith, betrayal, heartbreak, secret bombs and having the courage to stand up and to tell the truth……………….It’s My Story!
I am writing this blog for woman who have felt they don’t have a voice in their own story of betrayal and infidelity. Woman of deep faith, of love for their husbands and family, who have struggled to find their place.
You have a voice to speak what is in your heart.
I want to send a message to the cheating spouse. You promised to share your life with your husband/wife. You need to be accountable for your choices and sins. Do not blame them or manipulate the truth, blame the marriage or justify the adultery. Answer their questions, accept responsibility and hear their pain. The truth will set you both free.
To the counselors of the cheating spouse. We the victims that just want to be heard and have our questions answered. We deserve the respect from our spouses to hear from them the when, what’s and whys and remorse for their actions. You owe us the dignity of understanding, compassion and feeling we matter by working with your client to bring forth truth, transparency, and a resolution. We deserve closure.
To the family and friends who have judged us based on lies, guilt and deception from the cheating spouse. Before giving advise understand that you don’t know the truth, the pain, the betrayal that one feels when going through a traumatic event such as this. Please restrain yourself from judging or thinking you have the answers. Show compassion to those who are hurting.
and lastly, for the woman who have been involved with tearing a marriage and family apart. You are accountable for your role. Taking part in adultery is as much your sin as theirs. I hope you seek true repentance and one day find the courage to express remorse to the family you helped destroy.
and now my story………………………………….
My story begins in September 2010. My daughters were back at school. The oldest in college, my middle daughter in high school and the youngest in middle school. My husband had just started at a new law firm after leaving the firm he had been at for over 25 years. We were busy, but happy……………..so I thought.
At the end of September, my husbands prior boss and mentor passed away after only being diagnosed with cancer for 3 months. He was moody, tired, distant. I passed it off for being part of the change, as he never was good with change, or from losing a person who had played a significant role in his life.
In October, things got worse and strange. He stopped going to mass with us, was spending more time with his new co-workers at happy hours and social events and was getting more and more distant.
By the beginning of November, he was like a different person. I begged him to see someone as something wasn’t right. I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis as he was constantly talking about turning 50 in just a few short weeks. He went out of town with his new boss and when he was gone we only heard from him a few times which was highly unusual as he always called the girls daily.
When he returned on Friday, he came home, had dinner but didn’t say more than a few words. I finally said, “What is wrong with you?” He replied “I’m tired of this!” I said “Tired of what?” He stomped around, no answers just complaining. He said he was leaving…….I said “where are you going?”……….no answer. I left for an hour to give him some space. When I was gone, I got a call on my cell. My daughters were crying “He’s Gone!”, “He left”. I went home immediately, calmed them down and said, “Don’t worry, he will be back”. He never came back home again…………
That evening, I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I learned a new skill. I learned how to read our cell phone usage by person. I’m sure my daughters were not too excited about that. Talk about a shock. When do they have time to do anything else but text? Unfortunately, I also discovered what I had feared. Upon looking at my husbands account, who I didn’t know knew how to text, I found numerous texts and calls to a number I didn’t recognize. The first thing I did was count them……then I stopped, picked up the phone and called the number.
I dropped to my knees after hearing her voice and began to cry. I sent a text to my oldest daughter and broke the news to her. Then I began to pray. The odd thing is, I didn’t pray to make this not true or to take it away, I prayed that for Jesus’ to be with me. To strengthen me. Then I said the Rosary. After completing the rosary, I found myself reflecting on the last month. I was remembering how everything my husband did bothered me; the way he drove, the way he chewed gum, the way he looked at me, his tone, his words, his touch. Then it hit me. God was protecting me. He had put up a wall to protect me from the evil that was occurring. This was the first of many times the Lord visited me. I fell fast to sleep.
So what next? As in the game show, I phoned a friend. Soon three of my closest friends showed up at my door with coffees and bagels. I remember telling them what I knew but I was in a bubble……a bubble that would become my world for the next year. In reflecting back, I realized how truly blessed I was. I had friends who dropped everything just to comfort me. Beautiful, faith-filled woman, who came to give me a hug. God is love and I felt loved!
The next few months were extremely painful, frustrating and yet a real awakening. I lived in the bubble. I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a woman who worked for him. He had brought her with him from the other firm. Over and over he said she was just a friend, a co-worker, someone who worked for him. He swore the messages were work related. He said they would stop and soon they did…………..What I want every woman to know who is going through something like this, listen to the voice inside. No matter how badly you want to believe what your hearing, stop, listen and pray. The voice is that of the Holy Spirit telling you not to trust in what you are hearing, trust in only the Lord.
“I look so good without you, got me a new hair-do, looking fresh and brand new”. That became me on the outside. I was running, saying the Rosary daily, praying. Soon I lost thirty pounds. I was going out with friends again. Re-connecting with college friends, high school friends. But every time I moved a few steps forward I was quickly thrown back into “reality”.
Soon after Thanksgiving, where we had spent a wonderful few days in Lutsen as a family, skiing, and hot tubing at a friends Condo, it was my husbands 50th birthday. Months earlier, I had planned a fantastic surprise in the Bahamas at a place near Altantis to celebrate the big day. To no surprise, I canceled the trip and now coming back from Lutsen I felt sad. We were going home so we could be there to celebrate his birthday. What was I thinking? I wasn’t………remember, I am still in the bubble.
The day of his birthday, he showed up dis-shoveled. He looked like he had been out all night and had a smell I will never forget……one of being with a woman. I fell apart and refused to take part in any birthday celebration. I began asking question after question……This was the first time, I saw the guilt come out in anger. The Devil had appeared and it was frightening.
I went to the adoration chapel and prayed for God to allow me to learn the truth. Not knowing the absolute truth was torture. My mind went into overload. I begged and pleaded with God. Please show me the truth. Be careful what you wish for. Three weeks later, he answered my prayers in a dream.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Boy did it. We got a huge snowstorm so my husband had to come help plow us out. When he came in to get a bit to eat, I made my move. Inside his coat pocket was a different cell phone. You see, days earlier I had a dream where a voice was telling me there is another phone. That’s exactly what I found and that phone held all the answers….. I begged and I pleaded with my husband…. “Tell me the truth. I need to hear it from you. I don’t want to learn it from a cell phone” …..what I got was abuse; threats….then he ran.
He ran to his brother who told him to call the police as I stole his phone. Who could be so cold? My heart was being shattered. The man who had been my best friend for thirty years didn’t have the courage to tell me he was leaving, he was seeing a woman 17 years younger and his brother said call the police?
I retreated to my room, opened the phone and read the first text….. “I love you”. I closed the phone. Even as I write this four years later I cry…the pain I felt at that minute was truly my heart breaking. He was my husband, my best friend, the father of my children. He was committing adultery.
That evening, when the girls were in bed, I read all 50 text messages. I cried so hard I couldn’t breath. I remember being on my knees praying, sobbing and wanting to disappear. I learned how deep the deception went. He had taken her to mass, planned my divorce, promised her a life with a family, was taking her to California the week before Christmas and the brother who said call the police? He had already met her. This brother and his wife had had her over. I felt so hurt….. So betrayed. That night I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. I didn’t know if I was ever going to stop. The pain you feel is so deep it reaches down to your soul. God allowed me to grieve that night.