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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….stand a little taller… Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”.

You know how people talk after being through a terrible storm like a tornado?  Even though everything has been destroyed they are grateful to be alive, reflect on what they did during the worst of the storm and have hope about the future. Coming through a painful divorce is similar.  You wake up one day, realize you made it through, and start dreaming about the future knowing you get to start over.

My life is full.  I have been blessed in so many ways. I have traveled to some amazing places, I have met some lovely people both male and female that has transposed me, I love my job, and I have had many firsts and lasts with my three amazing daughters.

I love to travel.    Since my divorce I have been to London, Australia, the Carolina’s, New York, Florida, California, Texas, Tennessee, Alabama and the Bahamas….. Each place is filled with fun memories that will live in my heart.

I have swam with the dolphins in the middle of the sea, I have driven on the other side of the road……I have driven the California Free Ways (and survived).  It has opened my eyes to the magnificent world that is out there.   So where next?  Italy, Africa, Sweden?  Who knows but I am ready.

God has brought me many wonderful friends.  There is one true friend who is my best friend, my confidant and a second mom to my daughters.  Her family has welcomed us and we feel part of their family.  If I was to pass into the kingdom tomorrow, I know she would be there for my daughters.  This woman depicts the woman I want to be.  She is filled with the Holy Spirit.  She is kind, loving, strong and would give her last dime to help.  She is the person I turn to for the celebrations and the agony of defeat.  She is the woman who guides me to be a better person.  She is my “sister loved by God”.  Every day, I thank the Lord for bringing this woman into my life.

One of my male friends has also become a close and lasting friend.  He is married so there are boundaries to our relationship but I can openly say I love him.  He has taught me so much about myself and what I want in my next relationship.  Through him, I have learned to dream about having a partner that lives life

In the fall, I began a Divorce Catholics support group.  It is here that I discovered that, even divorced, I was loved by the church. I held such guilt about being divorced;  failing as a wife, failing my daughters.  But I learned, it wasn’t my sin at all.  I was the victim spouse that had been abandoned by my husband.  I was still welcomed to participate in the Eucharist.  It gave me comfort yet, what was my life going to look like?

Satan came at me again.  This time, I would lose my job due to an acquisition.  I wondered what next?  I was single and jobless.  My x-husband could care less whether I was employed or healing.  I felt so alone, anxious and depressed.  Once again, I was seeking God’s intervention and once again he came through for me.  Due to the efforts of close high school friend, I was hired by one of the biggest medical device companies in the world.  I couldn’t believe it.  Me?  For the first time in a very long time, I was happy.  I loved my job, the people I worked with.  My daughters were healing……things were great except in one area.

My x-husband stopped paying tuition, wasn’t seeing the girls, was threatening suicide.  He was abusive with the name calling; Cunt, Lesbian, Asshole, Bitch.  I was called so many evil names in his anger state that I was shocked.  He had never called me a name in 30 years.  Now I was being blamed for the mess he called a life.  He was telling people how I was manipulative, kept his kids from him, just wanted revenge……All I wanted was the truth.

He was seeing someone he knew in high school.  She obviously didn’t make him a better person as he was miserable.  They drank a lot and I learned it all on FB.   He denied seeing her many, many times….I reached out to the woman’s husband and as I soon found, she was separated but had not filed for a divorce.  Adultery, again……..The story with her gets even stranger.

At this time, I  had a friend that was struggling   One evening, this woman FB messaged my friend.  She was expressing sympathy for her situation but the odd thing was very few knew about it.  She talked about her and my x-husband but it was not the writing of “a woman to a another woman.”  The time was midnight on a Sunday night. But why?  Why would they do this?.  It was evil…………they had to have been drunk.  There just was no explanation………or was there.

The following week, on a Wednesday at 1:15am another message startled my friend awake.  This time she didn’t open it.  She called the Washington County Sherriff and then shared it with her counselors, attorney and her children.  It was so inappropriate on many levels but when she questioned this woman she said “what messages?”…………HMMMM.

The lies, cover-up and evil continued.  There was never truth, remorse or an explanation from either of them.  No accountability.  Why do these woman fall into such moral deception and not feel remorse?  Wow, how deep the evil runs……….do they really feel they are different?  He tells them he is faith-filled but would a man of true faith take part in these things?    You want to tell them to run.  If he can treat a woman that he shared 30 years with so horribly, do they really believe he would be different with them? Is it the title of being with an attorney, the money?  Is it worth selling your soul?

There are many flags as to whether or not you can trust a man/woman who has cheated.  How will you know?  The way they talk about the victim spouse and how they treat him/her will give you all the answers.  If they are kind, respectful, remorseful and compassionate and have an open relationship with this person than chances are they have taken accountability for their actions, faced their sins and have changed their ways.

On the other hand, if they blame, criticize, complain, ridicule or demean the victim spouse, chances are they live with deep guilt and are running away from true repentance.  They will lie and cheat again because they haven’t learned from their mistakes. The anger, lies and manipulation of the truth will continue to destroy future relationships because they don’t have a foundation that was built with God.  They will crumble.

Over these four years I have taken verbal abuse and blame for the destruction of our marriage.  I was the victim.  I loved my husband, our family and the life we had built together.  I tried hard to work with him.  I wanted to find a neutral state and for him to be active in our daughter’s lives.   It was not meant to be.  He didn’t want to be a part of my life or theirs.

The guilt, deception and lies took away the man I once knew and the father who was adored.  He is no longer kind, sincere, dedicated. Rather, he is now superficial in both his faith and his being.  He blames me for the terrible life he has built for himself.  He criticizes my faith and who I have become on a regular basis.  Guilt stops him from being remorseful, compassionate and understanding.

Affairs, lies, deception and divorce destroy a family and all who are part of that family.  Their lives are forever changed.  Their stories take on new meaning and the journey can be jagged at times.  Without radical repentance on the part of the spouse that caused the destruction there is no peace.  Without true remorse from those who took part there is just despair.  I continue to pray for resolution.

Resolution seems so easy.  Live honestly, respectfully.  When you hurt another, ask for forgiveness.  Be open, transparent and listen.  Try to place yourself in the position of the other person and admit when your wrong.  Thinking time will heal the hurt is just another lie.  Truth, remorse and compassion are the things that heal.  Running away, pretending it didn’t happen will be temporary.  Eventually reality will return and you will still need to face the truth.  A cheater is always a cheater until true repentance takes place.

At times, I find myself wondering why God allowed all this to happen in my life.  The answer is clear.  He knew I was a woman with deep faith, strong convictions to the truth and  moral values. He knew I would speak out for me and other woman like me who have been unfairly accused, ridiculed and judged for our beliefs.    Woman who have been called controlling or bullies because they demand answers.  Woman who have been hurt by thoughtless comments and false witnesses.  Woman who are fronting the blame for their husbands lies and manipulation of the truth.  Woman who were abandoned and left behind.  Woman whose hearts were crushed because they believed.

Our world has become so compliant with getting what you want even at the price of another.  So many are leaving when things get tough and blaming others for their mistakes.  Affairs, adultery and the break-up of the family is common place in this fallin world and making love has been replaced by instant pleasure and sex.  We see it all around, yet most people blind their eyes and turn away.  Even the Christian counselors are turning their eyes away from the truth.

I still believe in love, marriage and family.  I believe that God wants us to be loved as he is love.  I will continue to preach to my daughters that there is such a thing as true love, that their body is a gift only be shared with someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with and  don’t run when things get hard.  I will tell them to be willing to work through conflict and pain with truth, transparency and honesty and love with all your heart, trusting your inner voice to guide you.  God is always near if you put your trust in him.

This is my Story.   One that was written with a true heart.  I am the victim, not the abuser.  When you hear stories that diminish who I am, remember that I am all about truth, honesty and forgiveness.  I was not the controller, the manipulator the cheater.  I am a woman of deep faith,  who believes in God, in marriage, in family, in forgiveness and in justice.  In return, all I ask is the courtesy to hear my voice, compassion to dry my tears,  respect not to judge and remorse to heal the pain.

 

 

 

Let Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fear………..

After the truth was exposed, I had no choice but to go see an attorney.  I went to see one of the most respected Divorce Attorney’s in the country.  He saw me as a favor to our dear friend.  He sat me down and gave me some great advice.  Before you struggle with the divorce, get some counseling.   He was right, I was emotionally distraught and not healthy enough to handle it.  I thanked him, then spent some time in the adoration chapel asking God give me strength.

I sought help for myself and my daughters.  I thought I was doing all the right things but I was getting on a rollercoaster .  I went by myself for a while, then my husband agreed to join me.  He told me he wanted to try and save our marriage, that he was ending the relationship and that he wanted to eventually come home.

We began counseling…………..but within two months, bomb number 3…….I was out of town, got a call at midnight from my youngest daughter saying that she saw her dad hide another cell phone when he picked her up from dance.  She was so afraid of hurting me, that it took her hours to call.  I told her to go wake up her dad and tell him what she saw.

I couldn’t sleep……..got on the first flight home and went directly to his office.  I told his receptionist who I was and she replied “I didn’t know he was married”.  I was like, what???  He met me in the lobby.  Begged me to go get a coffee and I told him I wasn’t leaving until I knew the truth.  We walked back to his office and after a half an hour he agreed to tell me the truth, IF I left.  He looked at me with a cold stare and said he had been back with her for two weeks .  I didn’t say a word, got up and left.  I cried all the way home.  When I got home I crawled in bed with my daughter and held her, telling her she did the right thing by telling me and that nothing he had done was her fault.   She looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me she loved me.

We agreed to continue counseling….once again he would end it.  I so badly wanted to save my marriage and my family that I agreed.  Counseling was horrible.  Every time we got together he would tell me how his family hated me.   The counselors played into this.  I was so confused…………….why were we taking about his family?  It was our marriage that was in trouble.  What about our family?  Soon, it all became clear.

This world we live in is a fallen one………….away from the truth, away from honesty, away from compassion and filled with evil.  The 4th bomb went off at the home of that same brother.  My niece, was having her 1st baby shower.   All week my husband was fighting with me…………telling me the family hated me, no one wanted me to come.  I went anyway.  It was fine….. at first…………then his sister told me the story that would destroy me.

She said “It’s not over” ….I said “What’s not over?”  What she said next was like a Charlie Brown phone call……it sounded like wha, wha, wha.  When things cleared I heard that not only had his brother met the girlfriend but his entire family.   This sister and her husband had had drinks with them two weeks before, his mom/step-dad, father…..all of them and no one stood up for me or our family.  They all knew and not one of them even cared. I was like, “We are in marriage counseling, going to adoration, What?  In the middle of all of this, I got a text from my husband “How is it going?”  All I could write was “Game Over”.

My arms went numb…………I held it in and then got to the car and totally fell a part.  I drove down the road, pulled over and cried hysterically.  I cried so hard I started throwing up.  I called my new friend ……and thank God I did.  She dropped everything and met me at home.  We sat in my driveway and as I told her the story.   We prayed.  Right then, I knew God had brought her into my life to help me walk with God through this.

I went in the house and got a call from my sister-in-law.  When I asked her how she could be a part of this……..she said, “It wasn’t any of my business”.  Who could say that?  Not one of them felt bad.  To make it even worse, they all knew that during the shower, the brother, girlfriend and my husband were at a hockey game.  What a terrible family.  There was absolutely no remorse.  I was in total shock.

The week after was filled with more evil.  My husband insisted my brother-in-law describe the details of “drinks out”.  Group hugs…..how they were happy that he had moved on.  It was his sister who told him to leave,to get a divorce.  It was like a really bad dream only I couldn’t wake up.

This way of life was so foreign to me.  I couldn’t comprehend any of it.  What family takes part in this and feels nothing.  Who was so cold that they would even repeat the story?  Even today, I break down because its so incomprehensible.  I was sitting at work with tears flowing down my face.  My boss took me into a conference room and gave me a hug, asked if I wanted to go home and knew I needed to stay.

The truth……the whole truth……and nothing but the truth.  Words an attorney swears by.  So why don’t they live by them?  On many occasions I begged for my husband to tell me the truth.  I reached out several times to the girlfriend asking her to tell me her side…..nothing….. What I have learned is the laws don’t apply to them.  Not the laws of marriage or the laws of the state.  They know no boundaries and even when they are laid out, they refuse to abide by them.  No remorse for destroying me or our family.  Christian Catholics?  Their faith was as superficial as their relationship.  With the new year, the girlfriend left the firm and the relationship ended.

I told him to file.  Thinking divorce would end the pain.  So it began…….but, then God allowed more time.  All the running had caused my hips to breakdown and the arthritis was so bad that I needed a hip replacement.  I believe God was waiting for my husband to face what he had done, giving him time to repent.  I never happened.  One month after my surgery we signed the papers and our marriage was over………………so let the games begin.

Over the next year, I struggled to find my place.  I was working on building up my hip and getting ready to have the other one replaced when my mom passed away un-expectantly.  Two days after my second surgery, I was attending her funeral.  Everyone was wondering how I was making it through.  I wanted to scream.  I had been living an emotional hell and this physical pain was nothing.  I had my hip replaced.  What about my heart?  It had been shattered.  How was that going to heal?  The counselors said only through God.  But the answer was only through truth.  It was now 2 1/2 years since my husband had left.

“You and I, we made a vow………..for better or for worse, I can’t believe you let me down but the proof is in the way it hurts“….. It was the summer after the divorce.  We would have celebrated 26 years of marriage.  It was a difficult day. I struggled with each minute.   I spent time in deep prayer,  in the adoration chapel of the church we had been married in. My x participated in a cycle ride for charity.  After the event, he and his evil brother/wife went to celebrate.  That night he was set up with a close friend of theirs.  He felt nothing.  He not only denied knowing her but said all he cared about was looks and she wasn’t someone he would ever date.  The coldness to his actions and his lack of compassion showed me who he had become.

You may wonder why would I care?  Why would I want to know?  We were divorced.  This quote explains the feeling one has after spending thirty years together………. “The ones who truly love you, will never give up, even if there are a HUNDRED reasons to, they will find the ONE reason to hold on.”  I loved this man for thirty years.  My heart was broken but we were soul mates.  I believed the man I married was down in there…….somewhere.   I prayed God would open his eyes, that he would see the evil in what he had done.  I lite candles and prayed for him constantly.  Satan had his heart and I couldn’t break through.

Even after the divorce you seek truth…  You reach out to counselors, family.  No one will help you.  The advice you receive is move on…..find a new happiness.  He’s not your problem anymore.  With each new relationship, you ask again for the truth because the trauma of the past haunts you.  You just want him to confide in you and when he doesn’t the anger burns……doesn’t he get the pain he caused?  You fight to break through the coldness……….you beg, you plead as the worst part of all of it is not ever hearing the truth.

There have been many woman since, but every time he insists he will never get married again…..So?  That’s not giving an honest answer…….so the trauma continues to haunt me.  I wait for the next bomb…..who will be the one to tell me this time?  Where? When?  It’s a terrible way to live.  I often find it unbearable but then I pray and know that I can get through it.

The Devil has taunted me with each new relationship getting more evil with each one.  I know he wants me to turn on God for letting the pain continue.  There are times I sob and beg God to stand by me.   He has walked with me with each struggle.  There have been many times where I felt I was not going to get through it, that I was having a nervous breakdown but each time I have cried out “HELP ME, JESUS!”  and he has. “Hard times, bad times, and tough times.  I still have faith in God.”

 

 

This story is about faith, betrayal, heartbreak, secret bombs and having the courage to stand up and to tell the truth……………….It’s My Story!

I am writing this blog for woman who have felt they don’t have a voice in their own story of betrayal and infidelity.  Woman of deep faith, of love for their husbands and family, who have struggled to find their place.

You have a voice to speak what is in your heart.    

I want to send a message to the cheating spouse. You promised to share your life with your husband/wife.   You need to be accountable for your choices and sins.  Do not blame them or manipulate the truth, blame the marriage or justify the adultery.  Answer their questions, accept responsibility and hear their pain.  The truth will set you both free.

To the counselors of the cheating spouse.    We the victims that just want to be heard and have our questions answered.  We deserve the respect from our spouses to hear from them the when, what’s and whys and remorse for their actions.  You owe us the dignity of understanding, compassion and feeling we matter by working with your client to bring forth truth, transparency, and a resolution.  We deserve closure.

To the family and friends who have judged us based on lies, guilt and deception from the cheating spouse.  Before giving advise understand that you don’t know the truth, the pain, the betrayal that one feels when going through a traumatic event such as this.  Please restrain yourself from judging or thinking you have the answers.  Show compassion to those who are hurting.

and lastly, for the woman who have been involved with tearing a marriage and family apart.  You are accountable for your role.  Taking part in adultery is as much your sin as theirs.  I hope you seek true repentance and one day find the courage to express remorse to the family you helped destroy.

and now my story………………………………….

My story begins in September 2010.  My daughters were back at school.  The oldest in college, my middle daughter in high school and the youngest in middle school.  My husband had just started at a new law firm after leaving the firm he had been at for over 25 years.  We were busy, but happy……………..so I thought.

At the end of September, my husbands prior boss and mentor passed away after only being diagnosed with cancer for 3 months.  He was moody, tired, distant.  I passed it off for being part of the change, as he never was good with change, or from losing a person who had played a significant role in his life.

In October, things got worse and strange.  He stopped going to mass with us, was spending more time with his new co-workers at happy hours and social events and was getting more and more distant.

By the beginning of November, he was like a different person.  I begged him to see someone as something wasn’t right.  I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis as he was constantly talking about turning 50 in just a few short weeks.  He went out of town with his new boss and when he was gone we only heard from him a few times which was highly unusual as he always called the girls daily.

When he returned on Friday, he came home,  had dinner but didn’t say more than a few words.  I finally said, “What is wrong with you?”  He replied “I’m tired of this!”  I said “Tired of what?”  He stomped around, no answers just complaining.  He said he was leaving…….I said “where are you going?”……….no answer.  I left for an hour to give him some space.  When I was gone, I got a call on my cell.  My daughters were crying “He’s Gone!”,  “He left”.  I went home immediately, calmed them down and said, “Don’t worry, he will be back”.  He never came back home again…………

That evening, I couldn’t sleep.  Instead, I learned a new skill.  I learned how to read our cell phone usage by person.  I’m sure my daughters were not too excited about that.   Talk about a shock.  When do they have time to do anything else but text?  Unfortunately, I also discovered what I had feared.  Upon looking at my husbands account, who I didn’t know knew how to text, I found numerous texts and calls to a number I didn’t recognize.  The first thing I did was count them……then I stopped, picked up the phone and called the number.

I dropped to my knees after hearing her voice and began to cry.  I sent a text to my oldest daughter and broke the news to her.  Then I began to pray.  The odd thing is, I didn’t pray to make this not true or to take it away, I prayed that for Jesus’ to be with me.  To strengthen me.  Then I said the Rosary.  After completing the rosary, I found myself reflecting on the last month.  I was remembering how everything my husband did bothered me; the way he drove, the way he chewed gum, the way he looked at me, his tone, his words, his touch.  Then it hit me.  God was protecting me.  He had put up a wall to protect me from the evil that was occurring.  This was the first of many times the Lord visited me.   I fell fast to sleep.

So what next?  As in the game show, I phoned a friend.  Soon three of my closest friends showed up at my door with coffees and bagels.  I remember telling them what I knew but I was in a bubble……a bubble that would become my world for the next year.  In reflecting back, I realized how truly blessed I was.  I had friends who dropped everything just to comfort me.  Beautiful, faith-filled woman, who came to give me a hug.  God is love and I felt loved!

The next few months were extremely painful, frustrating and yet a real awakening.  I lived in the bubble.  I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a woman who worked for him.  He had brought her with him from the other firm.  Over and over he said she was just a friend, a co-worker, someone who worked for him.  He swore the messages were work related.  He said they would stop and soon they did…………..What I want every woman to know who is going through something like this, listen to the voice inside.  No matter how badly you want to believe what your hearing, stop, listen and pray.  The voice is that of the Holy Spirit telling you not to trust in what you are hearing, trust in only the Lord.

“I look so good without you, got me a new hair-do, looking fresh and brand new”.  That became me on the outside.  I was running, saying the Rosary daily, praying.  Soon I lost thirty pounds.  I was going out with friends again.  Re-connecting with college friends, high school friends.  But every time I moved a few steps forward I was quickly thrown back into “reality”.

Soon after Thanksgiving, where we had spent a wonderful few days in Lutsen as a family, skiing, and hot tubing at a friends Condo, it was my husbands 50th birthday.  Months earlier, I had planned a fantastic surprise in the Bahamas at a place near Altantis to celebrate the big day.  To no surprise, I canceled the trip and now coming back from Lutsen I felt sad.  We were going home so we could be there to celebrate his birthday.  What was I thinking?  I wasn’t………remember, I am still in the bubble.

The day of his birthday, he showed up dis-shoveled.  He looked like he had been out all night and had a smell I will never forget……one of being with a woman.  I fell apart and refused to take part in any birthday celebration.  I began asking question after question……This was the first time, I saw the guilt come out in anger. The Devil had appeared and it was frightening.

I went to the adoration chapel and prayed for God to allow me to learn the truth.  Not knowing the absolute truth was torture.  My mind went into overload.  I begged and pleaded with God.  Please show me the truth.  Be careful what you wish for.  Three weeks later, he answered my prayers in a dream.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.  Boy did it.  We got a huge snowstorm so my husband had to come help plow us out.  When he came in to get a bit to eat, I made my move.  Inside his coat pocket was a different cell phone.  You see, days earlier I had a dream where a voice was telling me there is another phone.  That’s exactly what I found and that phone held all the answers…..  I begged and I pleaded with my husband…. “Tell me the truth.  I need to hear it from you. I don’t want to learn it from a cell phone” …..what I got was abuse; threats….then he ran.

He ran to his brother who told him to call the police as I stole his phone. Who could be so cold?  My heart was being shattered.  The man who had been my best friend for thirty years didn’t have the courage to tell me he was leaving, he was seeing a woman 17 years younger and his brother said call the police?

I retreated to my room, opened the phone and read the first text….. “I love you”.  I closed the phone.  Even as I write this four years later I cry…the pain I felt at that minute was truly my heart breaking.  He was my husband, my best friend, the father of my children.  He was committing adultery.

That evening, when the girls were in bed, I read all 50 text messages.  I cried so  hard I couldn’t breath.  I remember being on my knees praying, sobbing and wanting to disappear.  I learned how deep the deception went.  He had taken her to mass, planned my divorce, promised her a life with a family, was taking her to California the week before Christmas and the brother who said call the police?  He had already met her.  This brother and his wife had had her over.   I felt so hurt….. So betrayed.  That night I cried more than I had ever cried in my life.  I didn’t know if I was ever going to stop.  The pain you feel is so deep it reaches down to your soul.  God allowed me to grieve that night.